Should anyone ask, carpets aid terrorism

What have we learnt from the recent terrorism threats. Well, other than they piss everyone off and show that the terrorists have won.

I’ve discovered that McGyver was right all along and that I could make a bomb by mixing 2 parts toothpaste with three parts aftershave, using a catalyst of lipstick, I can create an explosive that will explode with enough force to rupture the hull of an aeroplane built to survive some pretty intense forces. But: if it’s put in a clear bag then we’re safe or if you buy it after the security check in duty free, then then the toothpaste manufacturer has reduced the level of nitrogen in toothpaste and the possibility of the above recipe working is significantly reduced. Although it’s good to see that some are doing their bit for security by abandoning the use of toothpaste altogether.

I’ve also learnt that if I do need to blow up an aeroplane and don’t mind going down with it then I should just check the bomb in since this luggage is not xray’d.

And I’ve learnt that 2 parts fear with 3 parts of human irrationality, with a catalyst of the fear of flight, are enough for politicians to implement these security “checks” in our name. Yes, I’m referring to the “I’ll take your pocket knife but give you a metal steak knife on board brigade”. Honestly, when are the public going to tell the emperor that he has no clothes on?

What else have I learned this weekend? Well, the Scots should definitely be in the Union if only because they share the British love of carpet. For those that don’t understand carpet, I’ll clarify: It’s a covering that the British love to put on perfectly good floors. It’s good at retaining dust and any gum that may drop on it and allows you to see where people walk by wearing out heavily on heavily used areas. It’s also everywhere. From the moment you step off an aeroplane onto the trademark BAA mottled grey black to the pubs with their “once was red but is now dark red and flecked with chewing gum” patterning (and who knows what other fluids). While the rest of the world has never had more than a removable rug, the Brits have gone all out for covering a perfectly good hardwood floor with something that is difficult to clean and provides a lovely environment for all sorts of mites to live in.

So I urge my lone reader, go to the polls when Gordon decrees and vote out this government, their security checks from the land of carpet. For the rest of you, I urge you to short the stocks of the British Carpet Manufacturing Association members. Enough is enough.

Have I mentioned church bells yet?

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